Electric cars

Valencia makes electric vehicles mandatory only in a zero emission zone

Valencia makes electric vehicles mandatory only in a zero emission zone

In a surprising move, the Santa Clarita City Council voted 4-1 to declare Valencia’s boundaries a Zero Emission Zone (ZEZ), becoming the first city to do so in the United States.

“We are the leader of what will become a new national policy,” said Santa Clarita Mayor Laurene Weste. “Oxford, England became the first city in Britain to declare a ZEZ. We felt that the positive headlines our new policy will generate would make it attractive to be the first out of the gate in the United States.

The new restriction will go into effect July 1, 2022, 13 years before California no longer allows gasoline-powered vehicles to be manufactured. Petrol-powered cars violating the new mandate will face heavy fines.

Striplin issues warnings, not fines

“We will only issue warnings for the first 90 days,” City Manager Ken Striplin said. “After September 30, 2022, fines will be $100.00 for each passenger car, $150.00 for each truck, $75.00 for each motorcycle. Fines will double each time there is another violation. The KHTS 1948 Mac Firetruck and City Cart will be exempt. Trump supporters could be fined $1,000.00 for the first offense.

None of the five current city council members live inside the new zero-emissions zone, but each will have difficulty navigating to future city council meetings.

Mayor Pro Tem is injured

“I twisted my knee practicing on my skateboard,” Pro Tem Mayor Jason Gibbs said. “I had a Tony Hawk Limited, but threw it away when I found out Hawk was still driving an F-250 that only got 14.6 mpg. I’m still doing extensive research to find a new one. brand. I heard that roller skating is becoming fashionable again.

Smyth Showboats

City Council member Cameron Smyth sees no problem passing the new law. “I placed my order for the latest electric Maserati. It is expected to go from zero to sixty in 4.5 seconds. That is a tenth of a second faster than their current Maserati Gran Turismo. I originally ordered it in red, but I realized that would break with my neutral political balance, so I got the left side of the sports car painted metallic blue.

McLean struggles with Facebook comments

“My husband bought me an electric Segway for Christmas,” said City Council member Marsha McLean. “He knew in advance that we were considering this new law. I tried it several times, well…. You can see the results for yourself on my Facebook page. I had to delete many comments. He promises to buy me an electric lawnmower instead for Mother’s Day.

Miranda Perfects the Back

Former mayor Bill Miranda foresees no challenges. “The lake I proposed in the center of town extends only 100 yards from my house on the north end and only a quarter of a mile from the town hall on the south. My back is the bomb. I recently purchased a custom battery powered jet ski, it’s “moto acuatica” for you Latino fans. Most of the details can be found in the second limited edition of my autobiography, “A New Kind of Mayor”. You can buy it on Amazon. We plan to distribute free autographed copies before election day. People tell me it’s already becoming a collector’s item.

Weste Trots Down Railroad

“I will saddle my horse, Melania,” Mayor Weste said. “I bought a special saddle with solar panels so I could keep my iPhone charged and not drain my battery while listening to the news on KHTS and reading their number one website, hometownstation.com for the twenty-five minutes it will take me to trot Railroad Avenue. I even bought a special monogrammed Dior bag to strap to Melania’s back to save our taxpayers extra dollars cleaning up excess horse manure from our city streets.

Denise Lite offers a tempting discount

Denise Lite, candidate for city council, divorce lawyer, generally tends to be financially responsible. “I am a big supporter of the Solar Monorail Working Group Roundtable. It will be a difficult decision to decide whether the main thoroughfare should go down Railroad Avenue or up Bouquet. But the Round Table continues to swear not to open its hearings to the public even though I have tried to persuade it to be more transparent. I believe Councilman Miranda’s option to branch it off at his proposed lake is a dumb idea. I am also standing by my original campaign promise of free divorces for all current and former members of city council if elected. Some city employees could benefit from a discount.

Van Hook consults philosophers

College of the Canyon Chancellor Dianne Van Hook is in a dilemma. “Our Valencia campus is in the new zero-emissions zone, but our Canyon Country campus is exempt. I consulted the ancient philosophers, Aristotle, Socrates, Plato; I even reread Arthur Conan Doyle’s entire Sherlock Holmes series. Nothing, nada, not even a hint on how to resolve this predicament. We may need to continue remote learning until California eliminates all gasoline vehicles by 2035.”

Wilk touts Massachusetts

“I opposed this bill,” shared California State Senator Scott Wilk. “As State Senate Minority Leader, I represent many voters who are not as fortunate as the Mayor of Santa Clarita. Owning and caring for a horse is beyond the budget of many people and many suffer from allergies. Besides, it doesn’t matter, I’ll be fired. Vanessa and I are planning to move to Cape Cod. I hear Massachusetts is a much more conservative state.

Valladares opposes Wilk

California Congresswoman Suzette Valladares disagrees with Wilk.

“The senator must be smoking some really potent shit if he thinks Cape Cod is in a more conservative state. As for me, I will spend all my high-end purchases online. I can go to the 99 Cent Only store every time I pass through Canyon Country.

Fleming has cold feet

Valencia Acura owner Don Fleming lamented, “We considered moving our dealership to Canyon Country, but decided to just test our gas-powered Acuras in the parking lot of the old Denny’s. We then thought better of it as we were afraid that the owner of Bergie’s Bar & Grill across the parking lot would not allow a whole ethnic category of patrons nearby.

Barger in the minority again

Our Los Angeles County supervisor is the only one of the five supervisors with common sense. “After resisting my other peer’s ridiculous mandate for cloth masks on children, overwhelming research has proven it unnecessary. Now they float the mandate to hide all animals. My niece tried it on her pet turtle, and it hasn’t popped its head in over a week.

Garcia facing the opposition

“Do you think you have it tough?” challenged our Congressman Mike Garcia. “Imagine sitting behind closed doors with AOC and the rest of his team. First they persuaded some governors to lay off unvaccinated healthcare workers, then they pushed to bring back vaccinated workers who had Covid because they had created a shortage and then they pushed for hospitalizations to be prioritized for non-whites to create fairness Now they are suggesting double fines for all Republicans who violate their Green’s mandates New Deal, triple fines for unvaccinated Republicans and quadruple fines for unvaccinated Republicans who still support Trump.

Kellar has had enough

Former City Councilman Bob Kellar said: “One of the many reasons I retired from City Council is that I no longer have to be the butt of the annual fish joke. April of that damn radio station, Sweet Lord!”

Read all our past April Fool’s jokes here.

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